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my personal diary
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i hate that youre letting him get in the way of us. want me as badly as i want you
i hate that you said the kind of words no one else says to me. that you missed me. fuck you for that.
i feel like a deity in love with an atheist.
my tears are poisonous. everyone who sees me cry eventually leaves me because of it.
my love hurts everyone it reaches.... at least you told somewhat of the truth today. but it was only the stuff you knew would hurt me.
when you become true to yourself, you become a liar to everyone else.
isnt it funny? that im infatuated with a clone of her.
i think the only way to analyze poetry is with more poetry. when you break something down to its bare bones, it ends up as just that. bare bones. not flesh, or organs, or heart. or soul. just bones.
i was wondering why i felt the worms in my stomach, wiggling out my pores. you can fall from the heavens but ill crawl out of hell.
i want you to just want me. yes, you.
why am i so easy to shrug off. when she does it shes brilliant but when i do it im annoying and over-dramatic.
when i was little, and my friends and i would get into fights, we would pretend to cross out each other's name on our made up friend list that was invisibly written on our hand. i had that happen to me again today, except it wasnt invisibly written on their hand. it was just simply pretending i was invisible.
its harder than i thought.
i should have listened the first time. ill listen to their advice. ill try my best to purge her out of my life; lamb.
i wish i could love her still. wish i was dumb enough to. they always say "dark times will eventually end", but i dont think they do. i think we just find something else to make us miserable again. to end our few minutes of peace. or at least i do.
AHAHA. thats it baby. begging suits you.
im stubborn, i know. but id rather be alone than be second place
why do you worship liars.
i could give you all so much more than her, i am the only one you should trust.
im low enough to kiss and caress cold silicon. even the most room temperature flesh will not give me a chance. do you think god is lonely? like we are?
i wish life was a bit more unrealistic. i wish there was more to life than love.
i dont think its a crime to be similar to others. doesnt it seem like the people who try the hardest to seem different are the ones who end up being the most predictable types of people? i used to do that too. its pointless though. lately ive been allowing myself to do what i want to do, even if she does it too. and if someone compares me to her, whatever. i know i have some things that she doesnt.
but im going to smile, because theres someone for a fact i know im better than.
the people who think theyre the most immune to propaganda tend to be the least immune.
i really do think its funny when she plays up her whole "dont care what you think" act. its funny because she totally does care. every other phrase coming out of her mouth is usually about some other higher up praising her. you know if someone knocked her down a peg; she would fall apart wwwww. im the only one who sees through it though. will you too?
the shadow im in has grown way too big. its pitch black, i cant even see whats in front of me.
shes better than me. in every way.
im starting to realize. im not special. im not the exception. the rosary made of my dreams that i held in front of me for protection; was only an illusion born from my vanity. im not that smart. maybe im just a sheep in goats clothing. they say at the root of jealousy; is affection. its true. shes the thumping heart under my floorboards, driving me maaaad. shes the face on the back of my head, reminding me to do wrong. lately, in my dreams, ive been singing. but, im unhappy while doing so. it feels like everytime i come up with something great, im the only one that thinks so. is there a single devil out there that will take my grey soul? these feelings mean nothing, but i keep feeling them. being meaningless is the iron maiden of the narcissist. i hate to confess, lately my...tendancies...have been seeping through. im afraid of destiny. im afraid my destiny is not what i think it will be. is she just naturally better than me, or is she surrounded by those who make her a better her, and im just alone? im alone. i know its true. its a cliche, but it doesnt make it less true. there is not another shoulder that i can lay my head on. there is not another that really wants me around them, they all just feel they might as well. no one is proud of me. no one sees potential in me. no one believes in me. no one thinks im one of a kind. 'liars' is on my arm. if i cant be unexpected i might as well just be even more than expected. its cruel and selfish, but i want them to worry. i want them to force themselves to consider me. its selfish, but when are we not truly selfish? there really isnt an ounce of selflessness in the world, its all a lie. and thats just all we know how to do. lie. and if they dont care, it will give me all the more reason to punish her for her lies.
theres no point in me telling myself i should die. i know i wont. but i feel as if thats the only way others will care to listen. i wont be happy until i get what i want
what if what i want is what i wont get? what if im destined to fall in love have a nice family and give my all to my kids. i dont want that. i dont care for that. i dont want that. i dont want that. i want what she has.
i realize now that he was lying when he said he was proud of me. because if he truly was, he would have given me what i deserved.
tear my brain out. put wool in its place. its awful to think this much
whatever. god can't be heard either, right?
if you know it, then its not true. its the anti prophets that are the most rewarded anyway.
it's more beneficial to be lucky than to be different.
i think one of the world's cruelest types of irony is the fact that some people will work so hard to reach a goal and never achieve it, but someone who wasnt even trying to will.
can i really do this? am i overestimating myself....again?
its official. im a joke to her.
the glass broke. she spilled onto me. black ink
i miss the arms of adam, to be quite honest
i can resist you so well until i just cant. they were right about me. zahsrly. zahsrly. zahsrly.
p jba hnhpu. p jhyclk tvao, zahyclk, chpu, ubti, huk hkkpja... hss puav tf hytz. hjjlzzvyplz zol jhua ohcl mvy vujl
p zahyalk zlsm ohytpun. p jba "zwpkly" puav tf hyt. iljhbzl p kylhta vm vul shza upnoa.
i feel like another fork in the drawer. fuck
i bought a guitar
masochism for the hopeless.
is there really enough room for her and i... or will one of us be sent to slaughter?
i wish i drank. i wish i smoked. wish i wasnt so stubborn and vain. i noticed i usually yearn for praise from the ones i hate the most. lamb is going to be close to me in a couple of days... im holding myself back just so i dont ruin anything for myself. just for myself.
shes taking my ideas.
I DONT WANT TO LEAVE HEAVEN. I WANT TO STAY.
no.no. this is mine nonononononononono.
i expected that much from the perverts. degenerates, degenerates.
cameron boyce supposedly died. it may or may not be a hoax but regardless, it always bums me out when someone who was young and successful dies; because in truth, it should probably be someone like me dying instead of them. someone who lives life in a monochrome limbo.
gardenias are growing out of my palms. i cannot close my hands.
do you ever just want to kill yourself, but not because you hate yourself, but because you desperately want to get away from everyone else? no matter where i run off to; it feels like im always surrounded by the painfully stupid. and i hate saying that because i know that i just sound like some pretentious edgelord... but like holy shit. sometimes im genuinely so astounded at how some people genuinely just dont know? how to put two and two together? im so tired.
theres a lamb, a goat, and the sheep. one has decided to be the wolf.
you may lie to yourself, but you cannot lie to me
youre a fool<3 i hope youre aware.
im bored by the sad. its all the same kind now. im bored
as much as id like to be flattered, dont try to be like me. i dont know how to be me, so you shouldn't know either.
i wish i could meet her, actually. sit down and talk with her. share my ideas, then hear what shed say. i wonder if she would lie just to tell me what she thinks i want to hear. i wonder if she would grow jealous and insult me to try and kick me down. i wonder if she would rip me off. if id be good enough for her standards. i wonder if she'd hate me like i hate her.
you all make me blush.
i think a fashion section would be neat, but id hate to post irl pics. i dont want any of you to think i actually have a body, yknow?
i had the oddest but most satisfying dream about lamb ... she died!!!ꉂªʱªʱª(ᕑᗢूᓫ∗) wwww . apparently an enemy dying in a dream symbolizes peace and harmony, and a good period ahead. good. very good
i feel so sick these days....
shes there again. laughing. im a jester juggling ambition and failure.
i have no one to count on. not even myself.
ive been avoiding sleep lately. everytime im left alone to my thoughts i drown in her. now that im finally starting to get to work, i wonder if i should just give up. what if its a waste again just like it was with him? lately i keep dreaming that i'm different people. theyre not necessarily bad or scary dreams, in fact the one i had last night, i was a women in a sorority with a baby. i remember i had friends (whom i dont recognize in waking life) that i was laughing and having fun with. been contemplating if i truly am a narcissist. it's such a cliche and overused word, but could it be true? it feels like shes the forbidden fruit with razor blades in it. i keep obsessing and obsessing, just to feel the same hurt in the end.
i find that i dont feel as if im broken. i just feel like... a piece of ikea furniture that hasnt been put together yet.
the longer i stare the farther away i get. should i just shut up and die
last night i felt like flesh over a birdcage. what shall i do...
we were both weeping babies in the night. i wonder, how many nights did we cry the same tears?
it doesnt even hurt that badly anymore when im told im not good enough or it wont happen or when im not believed in. because im used to it. its always been like this. so im used to it.
am i red. am i blue. perhaps im purple.
been thinking about how being charming, creative, persuasive, good at wearing a mask, can make you either a really famous celebrity, or a really good serial killer. www
i noticed im starting to gain weight. i think i should try to be productive. im going to try to work on music, it feels embarrassing. im embarrassed of everything i do. i feel like everything i do is just stupid.
i wish i was a hot guy. i wish i was a stud. i wish i was a fuckboy. i wish i was a player. i wish i was a heart breaker. but to these people im just a fag. i know they all think of me as "fucking faggot". ill never have what shes already achieved. if i get it, ill just be a poser.
right right. i was really foolish to believe that you believed in me. but i really was just your income. you said those things because you were obligated too, not because you meant it. i am the divine tragedy.
i really am just good for hurting people. im the one who deserves nails in my palms. i really am the one who deserves my neck tied. this is why the way things are for me, because i deserve this.
majority of the food has gone way past expired. im the prince of peasants in this hell hole
i want to organize my feelings better here. im going to do that.
he could be my dream girl
i wish i could unzip your hyacinth flesh and wear you like chanel
claiming to be the only one while wearing another. every prophet is false.
i worked on my music. i feel good. i hope this feeling isnt short lived.
i didnt realize how late it was. the more sad my life becomes, the more addicted i get to being on here.
maybe i should just let her go. shes made me become vermicompost with worms for veins.
sometimes i wish we could be close friends rather than distant rivals
this envy feels like a snake slithering down my throat. a deep kiss with leviathan. my body doesnt feel inhabitable today.
wish i could forgive her. wish i was ignorant enough to like her.
i cant stop seeing her. i wonder if shes comforting me or laughing at me. i dont know why shed comfort me, so she must be laughing at me. its unfair
it actually hurts quite a bit when youre hitting rock bottom but you still force a smile and say “you too!” when someone wishes you a good weekend, because you know your weekend will be spent with you either over analyzing what went wrong, or trying to pretend it didnt happen. [redacted]
its just boiled down to anger. i will get revenge.i will redeem myself
i dont want to just spread misery. but i feel as if that is all i have to offer.
why does she receive so much when she gives so little. what can i even do about it? its starting to hit me harder and harder how insignificant i really am. do i need to change myself again?
yesterday was the worst day of my life. i wish i was brave enough to kill myself. i finally hear you say youre proud of me, but why like this? im trapped in a divine tragedy, im a jester for the divine. she would laugh in my face if she saw me. shes won once again.
i dont think were on the same page
shes bothering me again. i tried to compare, but perhaps she really is better than me.
this could lead to my metamorphosis or my mummification.
karma always knows when to shut me up.
curiosity is what will liberate us.
i wish i was made out of wax. i could just melt
adams tend to take out their misery in an externally destructive way, while eves do so in a more internally destructive way. now, of course this is only a generalization, dont think im trying to make grand speech about society and gender norms or anything, its only a speculation. i like reading other's diary entries on here, it makes me feel like a minor deity, watching over others while never directly speaking to them. i like it a lot.
i began reading Natural Magic by Doreen Valiente. she brought up the concept of heaven and hell only existing within ourselves, which made me think about the afterlife. what if when we die; we're just trapped inside our body, our brain, like an eternal lucid dream? im wondering if i should add a page for magick, witchcraft, and my other occult studies. there doesn't seem to be a large occult community on here though....
she creeps in when im least suspecting it. shes making a mockery of me. she mocks me by relating me to her. asking how i think im like her. she intrudes when i long for a warm embrace of adam. much like a serpent.
if only i wasnt trapped in this body, i could have loved you.
i cant tell if im a pervert or if im just unhappy.
i hurt myself again. dont worry, im not talking about physical self harm. but i hurt myself again. thats all you need to know
i saw her again. i just want to see her no more.
i totally forgot to mention... some degenerate perverted crone i cursed a while ago revealed they had cancer and their spouse left them a couple days ago! lol!! karma must be trying to lose 20 pounds from all that work
i added more hidden pages, feel free to try and find them. also hit 1,000 views!! hurray!
i took a seven deadly sins test, pride is my biggest sin apparently. last night i had a dream that the boyfriend of someone i looked up to liked me. theres this audition-based thing that ive been working towards for about three years and the results are going to be revealed soon. im nervous. i plan to update my about some more.